fdajax

So I made a short story I was inspired by BD42's Greenlight stream commentary on the lore

8 posts in this topic

Feedback is appreciated thank you!

                       METAL'S REQUIEM 

Captain Rodger el Jones of the Iron Coast Sector Coreship stood on the bridge observing parts of his ship being built and refitted before his eyes. His mission: wipe out rival fleets in the name of the Confederacy of the Seven Sectors of whom he served for past 130 years of his life as he remembers the ancient stories of the Empire.

  Years of bearucracy and corruption led the old Empire into harsh civil wars, an ultrapower of a nation spanning hundreds of thousands of sectors and  tens of billions of stars and countless planets crumbled to dust when the illusion of progress ceased. Man had discovered all that they could from the universe;  FTL technology, instant building modules, quantum spatial entropathic material storage Q-SEMS for short, weapons of catastrophic destruction the size of a baseball. Domestic and industrial  life was perfected. Replication devices, massive artificial Agri-worlds terraforming, servant robots, neuropathic webways, the Dyson sphere was not a theroy anymore, Quantum Computers were no longer unobtainable and were now in every household. Poverty was a distant memory and hunger was long forgotten what always remained was a thirst for power.

  Politics and philosophy were always fluid and changed from sector to sector the Emporer to the Empire was nothing but a bust on a table fictional and mythical. It looked like a mannequins featureless face with a blank gaze staring at whatever what was infront. Politics was the only escape from the monotony of entertainment every book was written and each one was read a popular one was Gum on a shoe 5763 walking to the local replicator on Axima Prime. detailing the trip in accuracy it was made into a movie, game and many spinoffs were made off of this book as was the same as was the previous 5762 books and the future total 1,000,000 all depicting something about some gum on a shoe walking somewhere in incredible accuracy and later getting countless spinoffs, games and movies. To counter the boring or monotonous entertainment (take your pick) the universe's most elaborate bearucracy was formed over the course of thousands of years everything had a committee and every politician had a committee for the committee and used a committee for the committee that was the committee for the committee for the politician's committee so on so forth. Anything that was submitted, the response time was anywhere from denied or later...nothing got done and bribes to get things done were handled by giving politicians even more committees for thier committees to run which they would bribe using the same committees which would break the current deal and restarting the cyle. There was no top of the political food chain and no bottom rung either and it all crumbled away when a terrorist cell blew up a Dyson sphere  killing trillions.

   Because of the massive, complex, and cog filled Web of Beauracracy, it's committees couldn't react fast or agree on anything shattering it's illusion of control and progress causing a chain reaction of other terrorist cells motivated by boredom and not by belief started to form and wreck havoc on sectors everywhere. In a response the Empire wide political  system dissolved and sectors-states formed with thier own type of government and started to wage war with other sectors. This point in time was known as The Dissipation where any sense of control or order vanished as the known universe plunged into chaos. Sector alliances emerged and fell, new empires would rise but fall into civil war each new conflict ultimately led mankind into its new dark age.

 Technologies that were was known  commonly was lost forever or locked away in facilities long forgotten. poverty was a reality, hunger was insatiable and, the thirst for power was more unquenchable than ever before. Hundreds of years later modules and blueprints of Q-SEMS, weapons, instant building modules and the most important. an Odrax-Thalladraid neural command core capable of mass cloning, and mass command of fleets. The modules were reversed engineered. And mass distributionOf the devices via the last remaining subspace webways within a hundred years nearly every sector had its blueprints and started to wage war with a new type of fleet named as an iron armada

  it's name came when they unlocked the Q-SEMS ability to change iron and other elements  into almost any other element and would send a single O-T core with a task force and mine a majority of asteroids and convert the BU or building units (known as scrap since that was the common source of BU) into the needed material and use the IBM (instant building modules) to build the desired part. Within a couple weeks a fully functional fleet of newly built ships and it's  Coreship would battle with another defensive iron armada.

  This is the world were Captain Rodger El Jones of the Ironn Coast Sector Coreship lives and this is where you fight.

"Captain." Jones snaps out of his gaze in space and looks over his shoulder.

"Ah lieutenant Drake come here next to me and look out...what do you see?"

The nervous crewman shuffles towards the captain and tries to make out whatever the captain saw. "sir I don't see anything should I check the sensors, I thi-" his sentence was cut short by a whack on the back of the head.

"No you dunce, what do you see with your eyes!"

The lieutenant rubbing his head looks out again and flinched as he replied "nothing" and flinched harder when the captain stretched his arms out infront of him.

"Yes! that's what you see do you know why? It's because we made it so, this is was once a planetoid of iron, silicone and carbon! Now it's nothing...man made nature his own by harvesting the stars,  technology was tamed by making all machines obey, we mastered medicine by cheating death And living well into our 600s, but now this knowledge is lost. Years of war and turmoil has led mankind into the dark age and now we are retracing our steps back into the light. The road is hard and the journey will end far ahead when you and I are long dead and forgotten. you are apart of this... Iron Armada we are taking the old and making it new we aren't just a military force we are pioneers exploring the forgotton space. Colonizing the once seeded planets and rebuilding the ruins of our ancestors.. look again brother what do you see now?.

The inspired officer looks again and replies, "the future."

Whack.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post

I noticed I posted this 3 times and I don't know how to delete apologies :/

Share this post


Link to post
5 hours ago, fdajax said:

I noticed I posted this 3 times and I don't know how to delete apologies :/

No problem.

As for recommendations, I would work on the grammar, primarily the sentence structure. Do not be afraid to put a period at the end of a short thought or sentence. It is fine and will make the piece flow better. It is generally good to place smaller simpler sentences in between the larger ones as it becomes hard to read huge long sentences that just keep on going and throwing tons of ideas your way without leaving you even the slightest room to think about what is being said in any way. You were good at doing this in the first and last paragraphs, but the middle background bit was a bit dense.

There are some personal tastes as well.

  • I am really picky about my techno mumble, but I feel oddly satisfied with what you wrote about, so good job on that front.
  • The gum bit seems a bit too silly, kind of out of place, but I guess it is supposed to be that...
  • I am also really picky about my politics... +1 about the underground economy of committee positions, made me smile; +2 for the boredom terrorists. Reminds me of Warhammer 40k Dark Eldar.

For what it was worth, I enjoyed the story! :D

Edited by Imacds - Cubba
added recommendations.
  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
2 hours ago, Imacds - Cubba said:

No problem.

As for recommendations, I would work on the grammar, primarily the sentence structure. Do not be afraid to put a period at the end of a short thought or sentence. It is fine and will make the piece flow better. It is generally good to place smaller simpler sentences in between the larger ones as it becomes hard to read huge long sentences that just keep on going and throwing tons of ideas your way without leaving you even the slightest room to think about what is being said in any way. You were good at doing this in the first and last paragraphs, but the middle background bit was a bit dense.

There are some personal tastes as well.

  • I am really picky about my techno mumble, but I feel oddly satisfied with what you wrote about, so good job on that front.
  • The gum bit seems a bit too silly, kind of out of place, but I guess it is supposed to be that...
  • I am also really picky about my politics... +1 about the underground economy of committee positions, made me smile; +2 for the boredom terrorists. Reminds me of Warhammer 40k Dark Eldar.

For what it was worth, I enjoyed the story! :D

Thank you for the feedback! I won't have time today to edit since im in my bed but will try to edit some tomorrow. The gum part was kinda thrown in but the whole premise was that even entertainment has reached it's end leaving only political games to keep humanity going in terms of self fulfillment.

Share this post


Link to post

Honestly I just wanna hear more about this gum story..

Gum on a Shoe: Return of Gum anyone???

or can we get a prequel maybe? Like how did the gum get there in the first place? There's so many loose ends for the plot that I can see at least TWO million more movies at least IMO

Share this post


Link to post
Quote

Politics was the only escape from the monotony of entertainment every book was written and each one was read a popular one was Gum on a shoe 5763 walking to the local replicator on Axima Prime. detailing the trip in accuracy it was made into a movie, game and many spinoffs were made off of this book as was the same as was the previous 5762 books and the future total 1,000,000 all depicting something about some gum on a shoe walking somewhere in incredible accuracy and later getting countless spinoffs, games and movies

Sentence started off, then changed direction quickly. It also seems a bit redundant, just some feedback :D Like the story so far! Punctuation and Grammar definitely needs some work, all in due time!

As for the start of the sentence you could say something like, "The only escape from the monotony of entertainment is Politics." or, "The entertainment industry had grown quite stale, with the only reprieve from the monotony being politics." These are just a few examples, furthermore, you could elaborate further in a separate sentence about the book. However, I'm not sure what you mean when you say politics is the only escape from boredom, then suddenly transition towards the book. Just doesn't seem to fit to me.

Edited by Seether18
Grammar

Share this post


Link to post

Reminded me of the Foundation series by Isaac Asimov a bit. Good job.

Share this post


Link to post
On 4/7/2017 at 3:09 AM, Seether18 said:

Sentence started off, then changed direction quickly. It also seems a bit redundant, just some feedback :D Like the story so far! Punctuation and Grammar definitely needs some work, all in due time!

As for the start of the sentence you could say something like, "The only escape from the monotony of entertainment is Politics." or, "The entertainment industry had grown quite stale, with the only reprieve from the monotony being politics." These are just a few examples, furthermore, you could elaborate further in a separate sentence about the book. However, I'm not sure what you mean when you say politics is the only escape from boredom, then suddenly transition towards the book. Just doesn't seem to fit to me.

Good point thank you! I'll keep that in mind for later i have been busy lately so I'm going to come back on this soon :)

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now